6 March 2008

Michael wrote to me that he does not feel happy and needs help breaking away from his busy everyday life. He needs peace to balance his marriage with his career, enabling him to let go of his feeling that he is not living out his potential to the full.

My challenge to Michael is: Confront your fear and stop putting off your problems. Start the positive spiral by taking your wife on a relaxing stay at a spa in the Swiss Alps – I have booked the trip for you.

Dear Martin

Probably like many others, I have the feeling that I am not fulfilling my potential and that I can't really be happy. In connection with this I have read several books about coaching and motivation, and have by now done much soulsearching, and found out what it will take to get my life back on course.

Unfortunately I have not succeeded in taking the necessary measures, because I quite simply feel that my everyday life pulls me away. With two small children, a busy job and a"demanding" wife, I do not feel that there is time to realize myself. I don't go running, I do not do the things that I need to do in order to make my dreams come true. Instead I feel that I am further removed from my wife (I have found out that our values in life are not the same). I have no energy at work and when I finally have some time left over, all I think about is sleeping, because I constantly feel tired.

My question is how to detach myself from my everyday life in order to get some time for myself. At the same time I also feel that I don't know where to start when I finally have some time. There are so many things I want to do and it ends up being unstructured and unconstructive. I feel that I am undermining myself.

I hope that you will find the time to answer.

Yours Sincerely
Michael

Dear Michael

Thank you for your question to my correspondence column. I think that many people have the same thoughts about careers, relationships, children, exercise etc. that you have told me about.

You write that you have found out what you need to do to get your life back on track, but that you can't find the time to do it. At the same time you and your wife are drifting further and further apart.

If you don't get your life back on track, the worst is yet to come. You meet all the demands of what it takes to start a negative spiral that will put a stop to your career, drive your marriage further toward the edge and leave marks on your children.

I am saying it quite clearly, because that is where you are heading. You can read all sorts of books and learn all the good techniques without salvaging anything.

My point is that you need to confront your fear. You need to put down the books and stop using the excuse that you have no time to develop. Development is ongoing. Never before or after. It is while you are in a relationship that you can get better at being in a relationship.

Something between the lines tells me that you are postponing and I think that is your"demanding" wife that you fear. "What if I start something that we can't get through?" If you share the basic values of a relationship – trust and respect – you will make it through. If humour, sex and intellectual challenges have been there before, then the spark can be re-ignited.

My challenge to you is: Stop postponing! Confront your wife with your feeling that you are drifting apart and tell her that you want to work towards finding each other again.

Use this exercise to get closer to yourselves and each other:

Each describe your moving towards-values (values that you are attracted to and want more of) and then your moving away from-values (values that you are repelled by and want less of). Each make a top 5 list of the two sets of values. Then describe with examples what you mean with every single value on your top 5 list.

Examples of values:

I know that a conversation like that can be given a low priority in a busy everyday life and that is why it is important that you really make it clear to your wife how much your relationship means to you. I would like to give you a push in the right direction and that is why I have booked you into the spa resort Vals Therme in the Swiss Alps. The stay is for a weekend without children.

Remember: Your career, children and marriage are not projects. They are life!

Have a nice trip!

/Martin